found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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