I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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