she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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