Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
