she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
