Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
