I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
