'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
how does that bad decision feel?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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