I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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