On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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