so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You have to summon your inner elephant
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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