I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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