I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
