your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
