i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
