how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
