i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
