It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
