Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
