if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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