Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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