me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
