dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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