Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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