Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I had to cum in my sink.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
