If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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