and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
