i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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