It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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