How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
