Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
handjob tips. give me some.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize