too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
