I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
