Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
