phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
