I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
