I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize