Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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