I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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