How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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