if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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