i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
