Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
