god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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