you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
