When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
