yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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