I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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