I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
