im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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