Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
