I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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