I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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