By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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