Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Farmville is her only friend.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
