my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize