Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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