My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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