lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
