So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
please come you make the beer taste better
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
