She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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